The self divided into two is a dangerous thing. Like any war, there are usually no wins only
losses. As a same sex attracted person, there's hardly a period of peace as the flesh rages against the spirit. I find myself on the edge between light and darkness, constantly leaning between following fleshly desires that lead to death, and praising the Lord Almighty.
The war comes daily along with pain and suffering from fighting minute by minute with sin, wondering everyday why can't I trust myself? Why can't I believe in my thoughts and feelings? What does it mean to know that following my heart could be the worst thing I have ever done?
God came to give us life so that we may have it to the fullest according to John 10:10 , but in the mind of the same-sex attracted, having life to the fullest as the tempter will lie to us, is having a life partner of the same sex, following both our hearts and dreams. However I am here to ask how can one live a full life in disobedience to God? Over and over again I pondered these questions ,stuck in a boxing match between the self that desired to fulfil the pleasure of women and the self that found pleasure in simply serving God. In the match , I can never tell who's winning. On some days, my body triumphs like a warrior in a colosseum and on other days, it's crushed underneath the powerful third person of God, the Holy Spirit. As the soul divides so does the mind ,and there are times where my thoughts killed each other ,leading me to the murder of myself . Why did the Lord place me into this war? Why couldn't I live a life of peace with a husband and kids ? Honestly I don't know why I'm in this position, but like most wars, I saw the end goal for both selves ; liberty . This war was for liberty to worship; either God or woman.