I hated myself -every part and portion down to the last cell. I believed I was disgusting, repugnant, and despicable every time I wrestled with my same sex attraction. As my lust for the same sex grew, my spirit waned. I witnessed myself -someone who was once zealous to serve an almighty God shrink into the shadows. How could I worship knowing what was in my mind? How could I pray knowing my flesh was sown into homosexuality? I believed my very words were offensive to God. I was an outcast to His family, and His friendship was debatable. How could a good God accept someone He still labeled an abomination? There was no place at God’s table for someone like me or so I believed.
In my world, Same Sex Attraction often became a synonym for shame. When it came to my personal struggle, shame was such a familiar feeling that I forbade myself from seeking a life outside it. I didn’t want to believe in a life where shame didn’t exist. Even as a Christian, I had learned that my sin was more grandiose than others. I had no place at God ‘s table because my sin was who I was and not what I did. Often, I witnessed the church agree with these statements making me feel that much more despicable. Shame had a grip around my body, and often the enemy strangled me with it. I lived in secret in my sin for many years, ashamed.
Who was I really to God? Was my shame telling the truth that I was an outcast? It took me a while to recognize the truths of the Lord but the reward and the freedom from shame was worth it. Turns out, I wasn’t serving the God I thought I was serving. The God I served didn’t believe in outcast. The God I served believed in righteousness bought by the blood of Christ not in condemnation. In knowing these truths about God, my shame depreciated.
Instead of swallowing the lies of the enemy, I dug into scripture. Yes , God blatantly condemns homosexuality but he never identified me as the sin. According to Romans 8:1 there was no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. If this was true then why was I condemning myself in shame? 1 John 1:9 stated, If we confess our sin, he is faithful and Just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If my God had cleansed me of all unrighteousness, then why was I ashamed of my same sex attraction? 1 Corinthian 6:9 speaks against those who practice homosexuality separating the practice from the person. Shame occurs when we confuse what we do with who we are, and I was most definitely confusing my same sex attraction with my identity in Christ. John 1:12 stated those who believed in his name he gave right to become children of God. If I was child of God, then what was there to be despised? How could a good father despise His own child ? The final conclusion was He didn’t and Shame was a liar.