Same Sex Attraction: Fear and Death

Samantha tomorrow, I’m going to bring a gun to school and kill you.” I shattered as these words reached my nine-year-old ears. In an instant, my mind constructed towers of anxiety. I could feel my body cringing as I faced the reality of death. I was going to be killed by a follow classmate and there was nothing I could do ----but let it happen. For reasons I will not share, I couldn’t tell my parents and my teachers were sick of my complaints of being teased. I was alone. I let the fear escalate to soon I was paralyzed. No speech flowed from my lips and no tears produced from my eyes. Like a rabbit being descending on by a hawk, I accepted death. All my senses went numb as the hours fluttered away, and the ending of my short life drew nearer. When tomorrow arrived, I did not fake a fever or forge vomit to stay home. Suffocated by fear, I dressed myself for my final day. On the outside, I looked like a pretty young girl but on the Inside I was a corpse ready to be buried. At any moment, I could have screamed but fear tied my tongue. Fear told me I was going to die and I accepted this pitiful death at the age of nine. Till this day, I honestly believe I should have died that day, and till this day I don’t know the validity of His threat. Was it just a young boy mimicking words he had heard elsewhere? Or had he tried and failed to carry out his plans? Either way, I had no means of knowing the difference and the fear was the proof that the difference didn’t matter. All the same, fear made sure no one knew my situation. Fear made sure I died from the inside and out the night before. Fear made sure I knew I was alone. In twenty -four hours, fear did more damage to heart and mind than any bullet. Don’t get me wrong, a bullet would have had lasting effects with a high potential for death. However there’s a chance for the effects of a bullet to mended. There’s a chance with the hands of a gifted surgeon for rehabilitation. Fear doesn’t give that chance. The day you let fear in is the beginning to a steady breathtaking decline. From day one, the symptoms are evident. Fear inserts a new belief, new feelings you never that you would never have. From there, those new beliefs evolve into new behaviors. suddenly you find yourself making efforts to cure a disease you never knew you had . Till this day, when I reflect on those words from that nine year old boy, I can still feel a chill breakout over my body. I never realized how much control fear had in my life until my struggle with homosexuality. Homosexuality blanketed me from the terrors of loneliness and pain. As long as I could I identify with LBGT community, it eliminated the idea of being alone and in being attracted to women, I never had to face the pain that men had caused me. Often I fantasized about the freedom homosexuality gave me from the biggest threat on my life: the threat of never having control. In homosexuality, I didn’t have to wait on God to protect me , because I believe through homosexuality I was protecting myself. You see, in the back of my mind, I remember that scared nine -year-old who believed death was around the corner. In the front of my mind, I had made the decision to never to see myself in that position AGAIN. Never again , would I find myself alone , afraid, and vulnerable. Homosexuality seemed to make this promise. Then Christ showed me otherwise . Homosexuality was sin and ultimately lead to death. What I thought was saving me was in reality killing me. I was trying to protect myself from being that scared little kid when in reality being a scared little kid was exactly who the Lord wanted me to be. The smaller I felt only reflected how much bigger He was. Jesus was my protection then and now.

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